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February 25, 2010

In Which I Am Medicating With Wine, So Take THAT Health Care Reform Advocates...

I was all ready to devein the foie gras that had just arrived from Hudson Valley Foie Gras when this happened:

Photo 12

Three eency-weency microscopic hairline fractures in the metacarpals, and some gorgeous bruising and swelling.  Nothing serious, and it's already starting to feel better now that the swelling is going down.

Per doctor's orders, I'm keeping it wrapped and not using my left hand until the weekend.  In fact, I'm typing this entry with just my right hand, and since it's taking about nine thousand years let's wrap this up and end it on a fun note: use the comments to guess how I broke my hand!!

The person who comes closest wins a packet of Barley Malt Powder and a packet of Malted Milk Powder -- both from Terra Spice -- as well as a packet of juniper berries.

Submit as many guesses as you'd like -- no limits here, folks.  Be creative, be specific.  Have fun busting my chops, because I deserve it.

Photo 10
Photos taken with PhotoBooth on my Mac. So, it's like me looking in the mirror. It really is the left hand that's injured, not the right.

Oh, and p.s.?  It's not a cooking injury.  GO!


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Overenthusiastic hand-flapping while watching tree being removed from roof.

I vote: wrangling a unicorn.

Unicorns LOVE malt.

In the midst of a wild gesticulation illustrating how to perform the perfect triple toe axle you accidentally whack your hand on your own forehead.

that packaging can be a bitch to open

You were out with the neighbors drinking wine and checking out the tree on your house. You jokingly pretend to karate chop the tree with your hand and in your slightly inebriated state, misjudged the distance and karate chop the tree for real.

You had so much fun tapping at the White House that you were filming Tappin' 2: Electric Boogaloo and slipped on a patch of ice.

Slammed it in a door or drawer.

Although I would love to crack wise on "single handed typing while internet surfing", I'll bet you just slipped and fell on the ice.

Boring guess: scraping the ice off your car.
Less boring guess: Doing the hand gestures to Prince's "I would Die 4 U"
Least boring guess: you hunted down the waiter or cook who glutened you a few weeks ago and attemped a little payback.

Video game casualty...damn Wii Yoga!

Warp speed flicking of baked bean.

fell on an ice patch while greeting the fed ex / ups man who had your foie gras package from Hudson Valley....do you know Izzy?

ALthough I really like the 'karate chopping the tree' answer above, my vote is pulling the car door shut on your own hand. I know that can happen because I"ve done it.

Wringing your hands out of boredom? While watching curling?

First guess: tripped while cleaning, preferably the bathroom.

Second guess: Fell out of bed.

Third guess: Fainted as Bloomberg and Shaun White duked it out over your undying love and affection.

Dropped a wine bottle on it...
closed your lap top on your hand...
a 30 pound icicle fell on you...
while watching Shaun White snowboard you pumped your fist in the air and hit a wall!

Those are my 4 guesses :)

Too enthusiastic attempt at the 'gag me with a spoon' gesture while imitating the Solid Gold dancers performing the 1982 hit 'Valley Girl.'


I'm going to go with the all-purpose "skiing accident" ...?

Did you slip in or near the bathtub/shower?

Climbing around in the kitchen cupboards on a stepladder or stool, trying to find some stupid
machine or tool or gadget or ingredient?

Maybe with all of the snow you've gotten recently, you decided to make lemonade out of lemons and go sledding?

Hrm. I like the creative ideas that people are posting.

Two more ideas:

Tried to catch a Le Creuset pot or lid one-handed and lost the battle.

Turned around too quickly in the kitchen and smacked your hand against the counter.

Woman! If this were an elbow, I would have a better idea because I would have real experience. That said, I'm going to go with FREAK SNOWBALL FIGHT ACCIDENT. (That is, you created *the* PERFECT snowball but annihilated your own hand when you reared back and let go in the direction of some wicked, hard object. Like, your step-mother, mother-in-law, or a No Parking sign.)

I'm guessing you were so excited about getting the foie gras that when you brought it into the kitchen you slipped and fell and landed funny on it. Or you got hit by your door. Or you secretely are an Olympic hockey player and hurt it on the ice!

You stepped on a picholine olive pit, from your last post.

You got so excited about the fois gras, you karate chopped the styrofoam box it came in to smithereens, not realizing how hard those suckers can be!

1. Unfortunate laundry accident (Downy soft, my a**)

2. Hand + Snow Shovel + Patch of Ice = Pain

3. Finally gave that one problem client the smackdown s/he deserved.

4. Defending yourself (and the foie) from Ninjas.

Regardless of the cause, have a speedy recovery!

You were actually trying to smash your right hand with the ball peen hammer. Oops.

Handstand tap-dancing.

My less adventurous guess is you dropped a can of something heavy on your hand, and ker-thunk! Owie.

Fending off a PETA member trying to intercept your package

I'm guessing that you slammed your hand in the car door...? I hope it heals up super quick!!!

My guess is that you finally had it with all of the snow and you injured yourself shaking your fist vigorously at the weather gods.

It had been an unusual winter, that much was certain. More snow than many people could ever remember. It has caused a slight panic around the city. Nothing crazy, mind you, but excitement and wonderment laced the air, prompting people to raid the stores for provisions. Milk, apples, beef for braising, condoms.

Then the snow became gray. The buzz died. Wonderment turned to frustration as people circled, circled looking for a parking spot. Maybe that's why people are so on edge, you thought to yourself. Even emails from your favorite colleagues, tinged with a little angst from the cold. You stand to stretch and look out your window. Thank God that tree is being removed tomorrow.

You hate to admit it, but the snow has even gotten to you. And you love that stuff. But now, when the threat of snow looms, you don't think of potluck dinner parties and bourbon. Your mind wants to race forward to a few months from now. The trees will start to green. The air will become sweet. The market will have peas. Then berries. Then peaches.

You lift your wine glass from the coffee table. Malbec. The inky wine lightly splashes the sides of your glass. It's spicy and tastes of blackberries, cinnamon and oak. You sigh and take a long sip. It's the closest you'll get to berries for weeks. But, it tastes good. And the wine begins to shimmy through you, making you feel warm and happy. Enough emails for today. It's time for music.

You start to flip through your iPod. Maybe some music to lift the mood. Something to make you feel warm and light. What goes with a Malbec? Journey. You smile. Yes, that is what the wine dictates. A little Journey.

Separate Ways begins to fill the air. You can't help yourself. You love this song. Who can know for sure, but maybe it was the Malbec, or the music, or maybe the last dregs of snow madness in your body, but you feel like dancing. Clad in your fuzzy socks, you begin to move with the music. You sing along, swaying your hips and moving your shoulders. A little twirl before suddenly you lose your balance and Bam! Shit. That really hurt.

You pick yourself up off the ground and curse your socks. Your hand is really hurting. You reach again for your glass and find it hurts to lift it. Now this is serious. It's probably only a sprain, you try to reason with yourself. But your hand is throbbing, and the sweet hum of the Malbec has vanished. I better get this checked out.

You wrap your coat around you, then your scarf. You slip into your boots and head out the door. It's cold tonight. You exhale and see your breath. God, I'm ready for spring.

Playing flag football with a half-full bottle of booze. (Scotch, most likely.)

Your hand was caught between the door and the cabinet of a lazy susan


A bottle of wine fell on your hand as you were struggling with a broken cork.


Anything involving Rainbow Brite


1. You thought it would be a good idea to try and perform Shaun White's most awesome second half pipe run. It did not go as planned.

2. You were doing pirouettes around Michael Bloomberg in a pair of really sexy Christian Louboutin heels when you slipped and fell on the ice. Being a perfect gentleman he of course came to your rescue.

3. You fell off your couch while doing the dance scene from Flashdance.

either you reversed the posted pictures, or you actually injured your right hand (not your left) and you're typing with your left hand (not your right).

I've no earthly idea how you did it, but I'm sure the story will be tres amusing.

Not-so-fun guess: Over-enthusiastically tried to dislodge a well-adhered icicle from your front porch, a la Wonder Woman.

Fun guess: Alcohol induced, over-enthusiastic performance the Macarena in your living room whilst playing Guesstures, whereby you struck your partner in the head, thereby causing the aforementioned injury to your hand. Or meta-carpals, if one chooses to get all "Bones" about it.

You were playing guitar hero (or rock band?) and star-powered into a lamp, which toppled over. While trying to catch it you ended up with the lamp smashing your hand into a side table.

(don't we all love guitar hero?)

You dropped something heavy, and instead of letting it land you tried to catch it and it squashed your hand against the table/countertop. Or, you were attacked by a Great White and you remembered in a flash that the way to ward off a shark attack is to punch the shark in the nose. If only you'd been there to save the Kintner kid.

You were removing your shoes after work, lifting one leg up, keeping balance on the other foot.

got slightly out of balance, thought you could still control the action, jumped a little bit on the standing foot... that's when you totally lost it, and fell hard on the floor. The hand got the worst of it.


whatever the cause, hope you will heal quickly.

Funny to see the right hand with a bandage instead of the left. Did you shoot with a mirror?

You tripped and fell on your pajamas?

I'm going to go for the oven door closing on your hand theory. That and a slip/fall ick sounds most likely. :( Hope you're feeling betterly soon!

1. Pulling corkscrew out of bottle of wine (table side style), pulled too hard, lost your balance, wacked your hand on the countertop and dropped to the floor in a heap of agony. Drank wine, went to hospital, came home and finished wine.

2. Snowball fight! You lost :(

Slip and fell outside in all this ridiculous snow/ice that is still hanging around?

Holy moly! It's Alinea-at-Home fanfic up in here!

My guess is that you were so inspired by all the Olympic curling that you went to Potomac Curling Club to try your hand at it (I wanted to but all the intro sessions were booked) and another beginner dropped a 20-kg stone on your hand.

There are some pretty creative ideas here already and my vote would be Kailee because she's poetic. But it could have happened this way ... you started looking in the kitchen gadget/junk drawer for the special Alinea foie gras de-veiner. You rumble around, tossing lemon reamers and cookie scoops and damnit where is the de-veiner? Pissed that you can't find it, you shove the drawer closed with your hip, forgetting that your hand(s) are still in it.

I say you tripped on a stair for *no* reason at all, and whacked the back of your hand on the railing as you fell.

You were trying to perfect your official Benny Hill salute a bit too vigorously and injured your hand.

So, you shut your hand in a car door, eh?

I'm going to have to go with a tree-related injury.
1. Using ropes to pull branches or tree parts away from the house, not realizing that trees have a nasty habit of bending and then snapping back. So they pulled your rope-wrapped hand back with them, catapult-style.

2. Forgetting just how heavy trees are.

3. Pulling on the tree, slipping on some ice, getting hand wedged between branch and trunk, and breaking it?

You were trying to take off one of your Jimmy Choo boots and pulled so hard that the boot went flying off and you ended up hitting your hand on wall/chair/piece of furniture, etc.

Like my 14-year old son, you broke your metatarsals getting up off a wrestling mat. No? No matter what the truth is, give the prize to Kailee for best writing.

I'm guessing it was the fanatical excitement of the fois gras deveining, you slammed your hand in the knife drawer. Or, if gleaning from the fact it was your left hand, and I assume that you are right, perhaps a little mishap with a heavy toilet seat?

Overenthusiastic clapping at the end of the Michael Bolton concert.

You slammed your hand down on your desk in frustration when you realized you will never have dinner at El Bulli.

When you do your foie gras, let me know how it compares to when I did mine, a couple of weeks ago from The French Laundry cookbook. My foie gras came from the same place. Please check it out, and lets compare notes!

slammed hand in refrigerator door!

You smashed your hand against the counter while cat juggling. Stick to three cats...adding the fourth is just plain "show-boating".

You were attacked by a wild rabid tripe, and you instinctively kung-fu blocked it away.

I think you fell down and tried to stop your fall with your hand. Or you are trying to push oysters away from yourself. Anyways I made this same thing you did a while back. I hope you enjoy it because you have inspired me to do the same thing.

Hmm...Have you gone bowling recently? Standing at the lane, waiting for your ball to return, you put your hand in front of the one already there and your hand is crushed by your ball as it rolls up the return.

Or maybe you were inspired by the Olympics and decided to try ice-skating- combined with tap dancing, and hit the ice with your hand on the way down.

The foie gras struck back. We KNEW those ducks were up to something!

Simply slipped in the shower and used hand to catch yourself.

slamming your hand in a car door (i know, totally unoriginal, but what i can i say, i've done that before and had a similar outcome)

Could it be a tobogganing injury?!

removing ice from the ice tray for an ice bath or gin and tonic.

also -- the site still isn't searchable : (

Any word on a future fix?

I was hoping you would come and tell us the story... not yet, though

I have to say Tina's reply about the ducks fighting back was priceless... :-)

slept on your hand funny

tried to catch something falling out of your overstuffed fridge and banged your hand in a nasty way

falling over while you put on tight pants, bracing yourself with your now broken hand

punching a toy gorilla

It looks like a smashing injury - and without wrist involvement, I'd say landing on an outstretched hand is unlikely. I like the bowling idea. :) Either that or something like a poor outcome after a wine-fuzzed attempt to move the tree yourself ... one of those "It seemed like a good idea at the time" situations.

Also, to address an in-passing comment in Kailee's beautifully written musing - if condoms are part of people's emergency rations, they must run out before the snow does. I say this as an obstetrician in a cold climate, and we usually see a spike in the birth rate about nine months after our biggest blizzards. :)

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